What’s happening to our girls?! (aka. social media can really suck)

Seventeen Magazine – 80s/90s

Seventeen Magazine – 2014

 

I am an avid Pinterest user.  I could spend hours scrolling through my feed repinning recipes, project ideas, clothes, and everything DIY under the sun.  I love visual reference – which is probably why I can’t buy a cookbook that doesn’t have pictures.  I’m addicted to the volume of inspiration and ideas that I have at my fingertips.  I introduced my 11-year-old stepdaughter to it as a way to help her explore and capture her own ideas hoping that she would begin to develop her own style and interests.  And I must say – THAT is certainly what has happened.  Looking at her pinterest boards, though, is like staring into a little microcosm of the major impact the internet and social media is having on our kids, especially our girls, today.

I know we’ve been hearing it for years.  I know I experienced the impact that ever more “racy” TV was having on kids first hand when my 9 year old son wondered why he couldn’t watch Family Guy or South Park like all of his friends.  We see it all the time in how our kids interact (or really don’t interact) with each other on a daily basis now.  My husband and I feel it every time we walk into a video game store and try to buy a co-op game that we can actually play together, in the same room.  But looking at the evolution of this little girl’s feed recently made it even more obvious, and more scary.

I remember the really stupid things I did between the ages of 13 and 21.  They varied in theme across those years, and some were much, much more stupid than others.  If I back up to my pre-teen years, and think about where my ideas, dreams and inspiration came from, I realize that the sources were really few and far between.  There are a handful that stand out:

• Babysitter’s Club and Sweet Valley High books
• BOP and Seventeen Magazine
• Sleepovers
• A bulletin board in my room that was covered, every square inch, with pictures of cute boys cut from said BOP and Seventeen magazines (my own analog Pinterest, I guess)

My books and magazines were driven by what my parents would actually let me buy.  Once in a while a friend and I may have gotten our hands on a Hit Parader or Cosmo that belonged to an older sister or aunt.  Overall, it was a lot of work to find things that were really out of line for where I was in life at the time.

As I grew into high school and I fell in love with all things grunge and sought out the punk and alternative (goth/emo equivalents of today – only way better and not just veiled boy bands) music I truly enjoyed, I had to seek these things out.  There was no Hot Topic- the style required some personal investment and couldn’t be bought pre-packaged off the shelf.  There was no iTunes – I hunted down the little hole in the wall record shops where I could find the import version of a Nine Inch Nails CD to complete my collection.

Today, the sugar plums that dance through my 11-year-old daughter’s head are decked out in heavy eyeliner, “scene” hair and cut up black band t-shirts.  Her Pinterest feed is full of girls between the ages of 16-21 who look like they would fit in perfectly at either a biker bar or some of the more hardcore punk bars in the area.  Now, let’s be clear on my issue with this.  When I was 11 or 12 years old, did I not dream of being a glamorous teenager with nice boobs and the cutest boyfriend?  Of course I did!  That’s why I covered my bulletin board with pictures.  It’s normal and it’s healthy – it’s how we all learn to explore and consider new ideas and ways of presenting ourselves.

So what’s different, you may ask?  What’s so scary? I didn’t have as much at my fingertips.  I learned the most about sex from a book that my mom bought for me, that I found in a desk drawer before she actually give it to me.  I couldn’t go online and find a corresponding video that would perfectly illustrate what I just read.  My parents enforced rules about my appearance – and better yet most of my friends parents did too (which really helped with the peer pressure).  Even so, I still did some really stupid things.  Comparing that to what our kids have access to today makes me wonder how much more stupid their mistakes may be – and how much sooner we may need to be ready to deal with them.

As I sat down to think about what I wanted to say on this topic, I googled “fashion trends for young girls” (naturally).  Here are the image results:

Not completely horrible.  Not much different than the Seventeen magazines I was reading.  There’s one picture here that really stands out to me , though.  Can you guess which one?

Yes, I would bet that out of that whole image search, this is the one that would show up on my 11-year-old’s Pinterest board.  Why?  Because she looks like she’s about 12 and she’s dressed like she’s 21.  We are no longer presenting young girls with images of older girls dressed in fashionable outfits.  When our young girls can have pictures at their fingertips of girls their own age wearing these “fashions” it no longer becomes an aspiration (and I get a little sick to my stomach even thinking that someone would “aspire” to dress like this – but we are talking about pre-teens here) but a reality in their mind.  They think they can and should be dressing exactly how they dream.  That’s where we need to help them draw some lines.

||SIDEBAR:  How would I restyle this girl to be age appropriate in my mind?  First – ditch the slutty heals and put ballet flats on her instead.  Next, get rid of the make-up.  Enjoy being able to walk out of the house with natural skin glowing while you can!  It will take more work the older you get.  Limit the jewelry to one necklace and bracelet.  Wearing too many accessories looks trashy at any age.  Lastly, put a freaking tank top on under that top and not a bra!  Bras are not an acceptable alternative to outerwear.||

So, that’s a whole lot of complaining and maybe just a little productive solutioning.  How do we fix it?  Globally – we can’t.  We can only take responsibility for the young girls whose lives we touch personally.  We can only strive to be a role model and to help them find their way, just like our parents did for us (if we were lucky enough).  It’s cool for little girls to dream – frankly, it’s downright necessary.  What’s most important is to help them separate dreams from reality at the right times in their lives, and hope that they get it in the long run (because we all know they most certainly will not get it every time in the short-term).  Take a look at what they are looking at, pretty frequently if you can, and help them translate those images into a version that fits where they are right now.

I’ll leave you with this little ray of light I found on my Google travels this morning.

Tolly is a 14 year old fashion blogger, originally from the UK, who has been blogging since she was 11.  Her goal it to become a fashion designer and she is probably the most authentic 14 year old girl I’ve ever seen.  This what our girls need to be able to find in the tangle of the interwebs.  How luck if this is what they all aspired to be.

 

 

Trying our best NOT to be the Griswalds.

For the first time in 3 years we were able to take a vacation with the entire family.  We’ve been so many places in all this time, mostly it was just Bryan and I and occasionally Dylan.  Each of the little ones had been with us on a trip once before but never together.  One of the things holding us back is always time and schedule (having no flexibility or understanding in a custody arrangement makes it difficult).  Once we became five, the other was simply space.  Dylan is quickly approach 6’….putting him in the back seat of a Mazda 3 with two other small people for 3-5 hours at a stretch?  Not really an option.  So, this year?  We got a mini-van.  No, I never wanted a mini-van.  I abhorred the idea.  Then again, I never expected to have a family of 3 kids, either.  Besides,  it does have a DVD player built in.  Bonus!

So, the plan was 4 nights in a secluded cabin in Hocking Hills, Ohio.  The arrangements had been made for months.  We had been making lists for the trip for only a slightly shorter period of time.  The weekend before the trip it seemed like time stood still – things were moving so slow.  That Sunday at 7PM when we picked up the last child for the week we could breathe.  All were accounted for – no shenanigans had ensued.  We were actually going to be able to enjoy this.  No we had to get our shit together – quickly.

Obviously, we have a tendency to go a little overboard.  The first thing we did when we started getting down to business was discover that Bryan was going to have basically a half day off the Tuesday before we were leaving.  Hmmmm….it was only going to be a 3-4 hour drive.  So, if he was getting home by 12:30 or 1:00PM we could TOTALLY pull off getting to the cabin by 5:00PM.  The night was still available – we booked it.  We now had a 5-night vacation.  (Of course we wouldn’t actually wind up getting there until after 8PM since everything we do has to take twice as long as expected, but that’s a whole other story.)

We filled those days and nights, on paper, with ideas for games, fishing, playing badminton and basketball on the courts provided, hiking, shopping, and mini-golf.  We needed food for 5 for 4 days because we didn’t want to spend a lot of money eating out.  There was crazy grocery shopping, the dying of hair, packing, laundry and the list goes on.  Come to find out, the van is a wonderful, spacious thing for transporting people.  People and all of their stuff, though?  Not so much – next time we will invest in one of those luggage things you can strap to the roof of your car.  Anyway….

I shopped like crazy, chopped vegetables, made things ahead….and at the end of the day we forgot most of it at home.  That Monterrey/cheddar sting cheese you asked for at the last minute?  Yep, it’s in the fridge.  But those 5 different card games that we all talked about?  Totally made it in the car.  It was less than perfect.  What would you expect from us, though?

It was an amazing trip.  No, we didn’t get to play all the games we wanted to.  We’ll make plenty of time to do that at home though.  What did we do?  And what did we take away from it? A month after the trip, here’s what stands out:

– Take the scenic route even if it takes longer.  We drove down through Amish Country and it was a hit.  Not only do we find places closer to home that we want to visit another time, we enjoy taking in and talking about a simpler way of life.  Someone actually asked to turn the DVD player off and it stayed off the whole way down (I think it really only played about 30 minutes in total) traded in for music and conversation.

– In this area, everything is at least 20-30 minutes from everything else.  Plan for lots of car time if you want to get out to the parks and hiking trails.  Driving (and an extra grocery trip) sucked up so much of the time we were hoping to have for other things.

– If you plan to take in the antique malls, give yourself a whole day.  We were pleasantly surprised to find that our entire family was able to spend almost 2 hours just going through basically 2 of these places.  Each of the kids enjoyed it. The constant, “oh my gosh, look at this!” was fantastic.  So much so that we’ve added it to our list of things to do back home, too.

– Mini-golf is always a hit no matter where you are.  We played twice, once in a little too much heat and sun and a second at a leisurely “pay once, play as many times as you want” course with only 2 other people and all the time in the world.

– Gem mining is a horrible tourist trap but the kids will always love it – no matter how old they are.  My 14 year old had a blast.  He knew the secret but had fun playing along for the little ones.  And he still started to pout when he was the only one who didn’t find an arrowhead.

– Hiking is good for everyone.  No matter how fit, tired, hot, or young, once you’re engulfed by the cliffs and trees it’s magical.  Everything falls away and little explorers start to emerge.  One thing we did that turned out fantastic?  Don’t be afraid to split up.  Bryan and Dylan decided to come back on a different trail at one park while I stayed with the younger kids.  It was a great idea.  They got to do a more challenging trail while the younger ones got to feel a little more grown up on a hike of their own.  When we were only planning on going to a couple of parks we actually wound up doing almost all of them because everyone enjoyed it so much.

– Spend cabin time being silly.  There was one evening where we had a chance to sit down and play some games.  By the end of the night I remember everyone running around and laughing to the point of falling over – and I mean everyone.  I can’t even remember now how it started but it was a highlight of our time there.

– Get up at 5:30 in the morning so that you can have adult only time in the hot tub.  Not for what you’re thinking necessarily.  But for relaxing – in the quiet.  Without having to answer any questions.  With coffee.

– Of all the stuff you’re planning to pack?  Take all the real food, half of the “fake” food (snacks, chips, etc.), half of the stuff you think you’ll need for entertainment, and all the shoes you think you might want (that’s my rule at least – it never fails that once I’m hours from home I want the 3 pairs of shoes I don’t have with me).

The hardest but most important rule?  Remember that this is a family vacation.  It will be a lot of work and will not be like any adult vacation ever.  There will not be all the time in the world to read or watch movies or relax with a glass of wine on the rocking chair on the front deck.  The cabin may not be everything you expect and there will definitely be moths and spiders at every turn.  It will be some of the best moments you remember – the best time you can spend together.  It will be crazy and challenging and exhausting.  And when one of your kids draws a sad face on a cinder block by the fire pit with a piece of charred wood, choking back some tears, and says, “I’m going to miss the cabin,”  it will be worth every minute.

First day of the rest of her life…

If you haven’t noticed, we’re pretty passionate people.  This has its ups and downs.  We can fight like mad sometimes over seemingly nothing, we can create ’til we can hardly keep our eyes open any longer and we can love so fiercely that it blurs our vision and inhibits our ability to function in the daily humdrum of society.

About two weeks ago I was in that blinding place where love makes me defensive and angry.  I wrote about a girl that I obviously don’t think much of and how she’s ruining her daughter’s life.  Since then things have changed dramatically.

(I’m pretty sure she didn’t see my post and probably doesn’t know what a blog is.  I really don’t take back anything I said in that moment.  I am beyond surprised at the events that occurred in those days following.)  At this time my stepdaughter, thanks to the “permission” of her “mother”, is attending school in our city.

When we had first had the conversations about school and staying with us she wasn’t interested in any change.  After walking through the halls and seeing the school she was singing a very different tune.  She WANTED to come to this school with its library, playground, nature center….none of which existed at her old school.  She called her mom and asked her.  She immediately said no, forget about it.  Hence the last post….

The next day the tide started to change.  She was willing to talk to my husband about it .  She expressed how it hurt to hear Nyah say that she wanted to stay here and go to school here.  I can’t say I understand how that feels, but I can truly imagine.  I get it.  Her big concern was really just going to court, we assumed because of the child support.  No problem, we thought. The last thing we want to do is rack up additional legal fees.  We’ve got enough of that already. After 4 days of on and off, emotional ups and downs, we determined that we did indeed have to go to court.  In the fine state of Ohio, and probably most states across the country, if you don’t have the womb the child came from you CANNOT be a residential parent unless the courts say so.  Even if you never see your daughter.  Even if you’re ready to move on with your life and let someone else be the parent.  (It’s a bunch of garbage if you ask me).  Well, crap.

Thankfully Bryan was able to remind her that these things can actually be done civilly through mediation.  All they had to do was agree.  Making a shared-parenting agreement with a civil, reasonable person was a breath of fresh air in our household.  And what came of it?  What was best for Nyah.  In the end, that’s all that ever really matters.

Come to find out, the child support doesn’t even seem to be a concern anymore.  I think she’s expecting it to go away.  At this point it seems that see was honestly thinking about Nyah and her opportunity to have a great education, a stable, consistent family that loves her, and a home with parents and brothers and pets.  She’s going to get to have all of that and more.  And she is absolutely going to thrive.

Now, THAT looks like a little girl who’s feeling pretty awesome about the changes in her life right now.

Mother is the name for god…

That favorite quote of mine was uttered while a ghost was pumping the heroin out of the veins of a neglectful, horrible woman.  Sure, in the movies she turns things around – tries to start again and do right by her daughter.  Here in the real world the only thing that happens is an innocent, naive child comes to believe any word that comes out of that woman’s mouth even as she continues to neglect, ignore and take opportunity and family away from her.

That poor girl doesn’t know any different, you see.  She’s been taken care of by her grandparents almost her whole life, save for the times when “mom” had a “man” and attempted to be a who knows what.  Oh but she managed to fuck that one up, too.  (Now she has 4 kids that she can ignore).  She prefers to take the money and run – living from house to house on a waiting list, no doubt, to get into the next public housing community that will take her. No responsibility – no strings.

Meanwhile, Dad’s doing better for himself.  He’s working hard, making sure the money that she never spends on her daughter is in her pocket month after month and honestly, truly WANTS to spend time with this amazing little girl.  After a whole summer she starts to see opportunity.  You want to play soccer?  Absolutely, here’s how much it costs and when the season runs – no problem.  But we can’t sign you up because we can’t spend two-hours round trip on any given day trying to get you to practice or a game (we have 3 kids in total and actually have to work full time).  Can “mom” or someone help?  Of course not!  They can’t drive!!  Dance classes – unfortunately the same deal.

This little girl saw the school she would have the chance to attend – an A+ to her C/C- school today (where I’m sure there’s at least 2 eighth grade girls each year who are pregnant).  What was one of the best things about it?  “Has a library” she put on her list.  “You mean your school doesn’t have a library?”  Doesn’t have a playground, either, just a big parking lot.

So as Dad tries to reach “mom” at the end of the summer to see if maybe, just maybe, she may for once see the opportunity for their daughter and stop thinking about herself – she ignores his calls.

“I LOVE this school!” the girl says.  Well, maybe “mommy” will listen to you talk about it then.

She immediately calls her daughter (the only thing she’s done right all summer – cause let’s not leave out when she forgot to get her ears pierced for her birthday like she had been talking about for 4 months).  And the poor girl can’t even tell her about all the awesome things she loves about the school.

“Not gonna happen.  We already paid for you to go to the other school.” meaning, “I know what your dad is trying to do and there’s no way he’s taking my babe away from me.”  –note:  that does say “babe” to be read “baby” because that’s how “mom” thinks it’s spelled.–

Paid what?  The $50 application fee?  Going towards the $250 material fee for the year.  $250 paid to go to a third rate school.  One month’s worth of child support.

And the little girl just says okay and moves on.  Because it’s her “mom” after all.

Out of hatred, pride (over what, who knows), simple selfishness or whatever else you want to make up she takes away an opportunity for her daughter to be with a family everyday where she has her cat, a dog, her brothers and two parents who love her.  No opportunity to belong, be athletic, explore or read (because I know a book doesn’t exist in those houses).

She will, however, have a great opportunity to get lice again here shortly – for the third time.  Maybe she’ll even visit with her “mom” a couple more times before Christmas.

And I wish she would see this.  Finally understand how we really feel.  Oops – I forgot.  She probably won’t be able to read it.

Cheap fun for a big family? Get the membership…

Despite a complete lack of motivation yesterday I wound up doing a lot with the kids.  The oldest was in the mood to get out and do something which is great to take advantage of.  On the table were the Natural History Museum and the new Greater Cleveland Aquarium.  I went online to check prices and wound up ready to buy memberships to every museum here in town.

See, when we consider taking 5 people to these places at any given time (sometimes as 2 adults and 3 kids, many times as 3 adults and 2 kids now) things start to add up quickly.  Case in point – if we all wanted to go to the Natural History Museum it would cost $64.  Even worse?  The aquarium would be $98.  That’s crazy!  If we’re ever going to make that spending worthwhile we need to be able to use it whenever we’re looking for something to do to get out of the house and take the edge off.  Memberships are the perfect thing!

I’ve had a membership to the Cleveland Zoo for YEARS now.  Dylan’s grandparents bought it for him for Christmas one year and it was a fantastic idea.  We have a great zoo here and we go year round.  Plus, we get free or discounted admission to almost all the zoos within a 5 hour driving radius.  Now we’re getting weekend trips at a discount, too!

So I started to take a look at the memberships in the area and have a comparison pulled together here.  Granted, we’re in Cleveland but I bet the deals are similar in a lot of the major cities around the country.

The no-brainer:  Cleveland Natural History Museum
Admission for the 5 of us, including planetarium tickets, would be $64.  A family/couple membership includes free admission to the museum and planetarium for two adults and all children under 18.  Plus, you get 4 one-time guest passes and two one-time parking passes.  We only have to go twice to make it more than worth our while.  And with two dinosaur lovers in the house and a 9-year-old niece?   That’s easy!

Favorite boredom buster:  Cleveland Metroparks Zoo
With an expansive outdoor zoo and the indoor two-story rainforest it’s easy to spend 3-4 hours here on any given day. Regular admission for all of us, during peak season, is just over $53. The family membership is only $72.  It includes admission to not only our zoo but also, as I mentioned, free or discount admission (usually 50% off) to hundreds of others zoos and animal parks across the country.  We’ve used this in Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis and Columbus.  In addition, if we upgrade one level to $95 we can take a guest with us each time we go locally.  And being able to combat, “I’m bored” with “Let’s go to the zoo” any time we feel like it is HUGE.

Best Value (especially if you travel nearby):  Great Lakes Science Center
We hadn’t thought about this one soon enough.  Cost for all of us, regular admission?  $111 to do everything (including an omnimax movie, the NASA visitor center and the Mather steamship).  Cost for a Family Max membership?  $160.  That includes admission to all attractions for us, unlimited omnimax tickets and admission to special exhibitions.  Add to that the fact that we can also get general admission into the coolest science centers we know of (including COSI in Columbus, the Children’s museum in Pittsburgh, Wonderlab in Indianapolis AND the Chicago Planetarium, Field Musuem and Museum of Science and Industry) and this is going to be our next purchase.

The one that might be cool without the little ones:  Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame
We talked about this one over dinner tonight.  I love the rock hall.  Dylan and Bryan have never been.  Regular cost for the 3 of us would be $54 (because we’re local).  The membership that I think makes the most sense for us, if we decided, doesn’t necessarily cover all of us.  The family membership is $140 and covers two adults and children or two adults and two guests.  For us, I think this might be overkill.  What would probably work better is membership at a lower single+ level.  For $75 you get free admission for one adult plus one guest every visit.  This means if Dylan goes with us, too, we only pay $18.  If he doesn’t we’re covered.  And as long as we don’t go with him more than 3 times we’re saving money off the family membership.

The one we went for that I would advise against:  Greater Cleveland Aquarium
This was what everyone was excited about this morning.  So I jumped online, checked admission and was a little surprised.  As I mentioned it would cost $98 for all of us to go with regular admission.  Whoa….that’s a lot.  Membership costs to cover all us were $180 (because children are only 2-12, Dylan had to get his own adult membership).  We got there today ready to go and realized it kinda feels like a rip off right now.  They need to grow into themselves.  The shark tank is awesome and we could spend a lot of time just taking it in I”m sure.  We’ll get our use out of it – Bryan and Nyah have yet to go so with that next visit we’ll practically have paid for it.  There aren’t any extras, though, and it’s the most expensive of the bunch.  I would recommend against it if you’re in the area.  If not, and you ever plan a trip to Cleveland, go to the Science Center or the Zoo instead.

The last resort, no membership required:  The Cleveland Museum of Art
Since it’s been under renovation it’s been hard to make a full day out of it but our art museum here has a great collection.  The best part – admission is always free.  Bryan and I love to go and just spend an afternoon wandering through the rooms.  I can’t wait until the new wings open.  I wound up there with Dylan and Jayden today, when the Natural History Museum was just too full of people.  Since it was free what did we have to lose (except the $5 to park)!  We had a great time.  Jayden loved the extensive armor and weapons collections and everyone enjoyed the Egyptian and Greek sculpture.  I was happy to be able to take them there with me.

Now, I know this is all about Cleveland but hopefully if you live in another area and are trying to take a mob to an attraction from time to time you’ll stop and remember the membership option next time.  For a little extra up front investment it might provide ample opportunity to go again and again – saving money on the back-end on those last-minute trips to get out of the house and have some fun.