Widowspeak: Make some changes if you’re ready…

If you feel like making changes in your world – DO IT.  Don’t ask anyone’s permission, don’t let anyone ask you if you’re sure.  You’ll know when the time is right.

One of the first things I wanted to do was get my house in order.  I spent almost a complete week confused, tired and zoned out.  People were constantly around, which was a good thing, and were doing everything for me.  After that, I needed to start doing things again.  You know, like shower and walk away from Facebook for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Once everyone left and I was left on my own I needed to get my house back in order.  It was one thing that I had control over – that I could change.  I could do the dishes and see results.  In a moment of clarity I had a urge to CLEAN (eeck…) and add a couple of simple things to my living room.  I went to Target and realized, “wow…I can pick whatever I want.”  Not that we normally disagreed about things to put in the house, but I didn’t have to wait and ask anyone elses opinion.  It was kinda liberating.

So that started the ball rolling.  The next major step was claiming a space for myself.  That turned out to be the master bedroom.  I wanted it to be mine, with the bedding I wanted, with a chair for me to read in, with the artwork that I liked on the walls.  I wanted to erase the traces of him from the room if I was going to sleep in there again.  And I wanted to be able to share MY room with someone again in the future.

It was only two weeks.  It’s probably fast to a lot of people but it was the right timing for me.

Back from the dead…almost literally.

Eight weeks ago I lost someone, who at the time was my world. He was my best friend and partner of 10 years. We were never married. We never had children together. He was the only consistent father figure my son knew for most of his 11 years. I woke up one morning and he was just gone.

I’m 31 years old and I’m a widow.

I’m ready to talk about it. I need to talk about it. My life turned upside-down on March 31, 2009. The difficult thing to say right now is that as challenging and scary and unexpected as it all is right now – it’s also really good.

OMG…How can you say that?! Right?

That’s why I want to start blogging again. When all of this happened I found myself feeling completely alone. In a time of crisis or change my instinct is to research – I look for books, for guidance, for things to help me affirm that what I’m going through is normal and ok. So that’s what I tried to do, and I wound up having a meltdown in the middle of a suburban Borders as a result.

“Where are all the normal books for normal people dealing with heavy shit?!” I said. I can find a book on how to stimulate your baby’s sense of hearing in 101 different ways, but not a single one on what to do when your kid’s dad dies that doesn’t involve angels or Dr. Phil. I need something that’s going to give it to me straight. The world is not all butterflies and rainbows!

I wasn’t always thinking thoughts that I thought were appropriate for someone experiencing this type of loss. I looked at other women who had gone through the same thing who were offering me support and I was in a COMPLETELY different place. I didn’t know what to think about it and, even worse, was concerned about what everyone ELSE thought about it.

I mourned in a way that was right for me. I’m moving forward with my life. I have a great sense of closure. I’m as at peace with what happened as I can be. Now I want other people out there who may be going through the same thing to be able to stumble upon someone who’s talking about it without any apologies. The things I post may be frank and A LOT of people may pass judgment on me as a result. It doesn’t matter in the end – I’m the one who’s still alive and who has to live with THIS. Not you. Not him.

It’s so cliché to say that we were all reminded of how quickly life goes by and how it can be taken away without warning. But it’s so true! We can’t live our lives to other’s standards of what we should do. That’s how Mark and I tried to live most of the time and I’m not about to stop doing that now.

Since I can’t seem to get this blogging thing down…

…I thought I’d try Twitter a little more. You know, bite-size pieces throughout the day when the mood strikes me. Just an easier way to keep in touch with the world and get my thoughts out of my head. One of my favorite scrapbookers/artists recently launched a class about writing and references facebook and twitter, and saving her favorite statuses, etc. as a great way to document your life. Agreed!

So what’s the problem? I used to be able to Twitter at work and, seeing as I already cannot facebook at work, I thought it would be great. Until it decided to list itself as a social networking site thus being lost to the freakin’ bluecoat internet police in my office forever!! Ugh…all this work is starting to get in the way. This is important stuff, people! What am I supposed to do?

So, maybe I will have more short, to-the-point blog posts in the near future. Probably not, but it’s a thought. Or maybe I just need to keep a notebook on my desk and go the old-fashioned route.

And I didn’t forget about my 21 day project. I realized I just didn’t have something good to say everyday for 21 days at that time. I was too busy living it. And said scrapbooker/artist had made a comment about blogging to prattle on about nothing and blogging when there was really something to put out to the world. I decided not to prattle as much anymore. Maybe soon there will be more but for now just working it all out. And hanging out on facebook. Look me up if you want – Sara Kovach.

So, really, I have a good excuse?

No, I guess I don’t. I was out of town, I was living in the moment, I was completely not attached to my computer for a little while. I missed a couple days – and I didn’t even realize it….oops.

Looking at it, though, I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. I simply can’t blog everyday. Work is too crazy – so I don’t have any time there. Home is too crazy – well, maybe not all the time. But there’s so much that I want to do!!

Anyway, I’m hoping to go see Coraline this weekend. I can’t wait to hear what people are saying and then to actually see it myself. I’ve been waiting patiently and it’s going to be great.

I’ve been on a Kevin Smith kick as of late. I’m having too much fun sharing these movies with the kids that are living with us – I love being able to turn someone new on to this man. Watched Zach and Miri last night and realized why everyone can love him. He can manage to take a movie that is full of crude, lude references and make it appeal to woman as much as men. How? He makes it human. And I love it.

I also watched Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist the other night. Holy crap!! One of my favorites instantly. I can’t wait to watch it again.

Aahhh…it’s been one of those nights, can you tell? Oh well…til next time. Just an FYI? It most likely will not be tomorrow.

Running out of steam…

….I’m tired today. And I don’t really have anything to say. Maybe some random thoughts on TV?

1. I love Ryan on this season of the Real World. I don’t know quite why. His facial expressions crack me up.

2. Bones is getting a little campy for me right now. The two new episodes from last week were just a little too fluffy.

3. I’m trying REALLY hard to get into Burn Notice but it just isn’t happening right now.

4. The first 5 minutes of The Office that followed the Superbowl were some of the funniest I have seen on TV to date. Oscar hanging from the ceiling? Hysterical!

5. Dollhouse starts on February 13. The trailer I saw on TV wasn’t nearly as good as the one I saw online a few months back. I hope this is going to turn out okay.

So, til tomorrow…..

Wait…it’s Wednesday already?

So I fell off the wagon without even realizing it! All in all, that’s not a bad thing. It means that life was all consuming and, in this case, it was in a good way.

So now I’m sitting here after a sucky evening waiting for everyone to get home so I can watch….Real World Brooklyn. Not exactly everyone’s definition of a good night but I’m hoping it will be good nonetheless.

In the meantime, I found a really cool site with toys, apparel and more!

Check out www.kidrobot.com and, as I was told, enjoy!

I’ve already lost count…

Apparently that’s how good I’m doing with my daily blog posting. I’ve lost count of how many consecutive days I’ve posted for (and I just realized that I missed last night – but I have a valid excuse…really). Granted, it isn’t enough that I really should lose count over, but I think it’s a good sign nonetheless.

I’ve just sat and watched the entire Superbowl. It’s the one football game I watch all year long. I have to say, this year is the best one from the last few years. Why, you may ask?

Because we got to witness Bruce Springsteen losing his mind on the halftime stage. I think he may have forgotten how old he really is, now, getting caught up in playing at the Superbowl. And I’m not knocking that – but I think he’s going to be sore tomorrow.

Case in point – how could anyone not laugh when he did a knee slide across the stage only to land with his crotch firmly planted in the camera.

I saw it happen. Then I called Mark in from the kitchen and watched it again. I can’t wait for it to pop up on YouTube so that I can watch it just once more. Seriously….classic.

The zombies are here!!

How crazy would it be to be driving to work, stuck in traffic, and be greeted by this?

Awesome, if you ask me. I have been absolutely addicted to Left 4 Dead for xbox 360 as of late. I still can’t watch any zombies movies, except for the original George Romero Night of the Living Dead, but I can spend all night capping them vicariously through the video game system (as long as I’m not by myself).

Here’s a link to the full story on my friend’s blog, zombies and toys.

3 Days Down…

It’s day three and, although to look at my blog you may not believe it, I have actually kept up with my promise.

Where are we today? I have no idea. A shit day at work, a good night at home and a hot taddy (I never know how to spell that) to make me comfortably numb. It’s Thursday and I can say it’s been a really good week. Aside from that do I really have much to say today? I don’t think so.

Found out the boys in my house, all of them, wound up watching the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie this afternoon. I wish I could have been here but I really don’t think it would have happened if I was. And I know deep down that if any of them sat down to watch the TV show they would wind up saying, “That really wasn’t that bad. It was okay.” which I’ve learned translates to, “I really like it but I can’t admit that you were right.” Someday….

So, maybe a random playlist? Here’s my favorite today.

Redemption Song – Bob Marley
Walk Like a Zombie – The Horrorpops
Someday I Suppose – Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Have You Passed Through This Night – Explosions in the Sky

Now, go check out a really good blog. See the links below.

Snow Day

There’s still something to be said about waking up and unexpectedly being able to stay home, snowed in and toasty. It never gets old.

Today was one of those days. Sure, I had work to do but taking a couple of calls and putting out a few fires from home is SO much easier than having to fight traffic and idiots* and mother nature for 2-3 hours to do it instead. I sat around and played games, watched games being played, hung out and just had a good time in general. Even hockey practice tonight had an air of that snow day magic. Nobody was tense, it was laid back and it was finally fun again. Even being there for two hours was easy.

Now a couple glasses of wine and some trashy TV provide the perfect nightcap to a great day.

*My all-time favorite quote about driving, by the way, comes from Wil Wheaton. He says, “everyone is an idiot and is actively trying to kill you.”